This is a personal story that on one hand i’m sad about, but so very proud to share. My daughter Hazel and I had our very last feed together – the end of an era that has been such a huge part of my life over the past 2 years. I still remember the first time that I expressed colostrum at 38 weeks pregnant, I was so proud of myself and what my body was capable of. It helped me process the fact (beach ball belly aside) that I was going to become a mother very, very soon. Bringing her to my chest for the first time after giving birth (in a pool in our living room – a story for another day) I could not have known how profoundly motherhood and the challenges of our breastfeeding journey would change me.
After Hazel was born, our beautiful private midwife Courtney was on hand to guide us through the first few days of navigating life with a newborn, which included of course – guidance on breastfeeding. It had started out smoothly enough, Hazel latched fairly well right after she was born and she took the colostrum I had collected, which my husband Jarryd fed her through one of those small plastic syringes. But the first big challenge came with cluster feeding. On these first few days, I breastfed for 8-9 hours a day, for 3 days in a row. Fairly normal, but it was a pretty crazy adjustment. Especially when we had friends and family checking in and wanting to meet bub – right when we were in the thick of it.
Once my milk came in, we were down to about 4-5 hours total. I only know this now because I was deep into tracking feeds through an app, which was something that on one hand helped us (honestly I couldn’t remember the day of the week at that point, let alone the last side she fed on) but also probably hindered me from listening to my instincts. To be fair, I doubt I’d even developed the skill to interpret those instincts around mothering and feeding yet, as these do take time to hone.
^ The first and last FEEDS
After that first week, things started to go a bit pear shaped for us and feeding. I knew a bit of pain/discomfort was to be expected – but I was in eye-watering, toe curling pain every time that she fed. We were watching her weight and nappies closely (as you do with newborns) and we know she was getting enough milk. But the pain was really starting to get to me.
Then, on one of her visits, Courtney brought me something that brought some relief – nipple shields. These little silicone things helped to relieve some of the pain during feeds, which got me through another week feeding this tiny newborn, before we were able to get an appointment with a local IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) to see if anything else was going on. She found that Hazel had a small tongue tie and we were given the choice to either leave it to see if she would grow out of it, or have one of the GPs in the surgery snip it on the spot. We decided to snip it – and that changed everything.
Within a couple of days, she was able to latch deeper and feed more efficiently – and I no longer had tears in my eyes from the pain… It was amazing. Finally, I could see that my path to feeding more clearly. I was able to lose the nipple shields (yet I will forever praise them for getting me through) and put away the silverettes – me and my girl were on a roll.
^ 3am on mother's day and one of many nap trapped postpartum days
Once we found our groove after a few months, I wanted to attempt to pump and see if she would take a bottle. I found the Haakaa manual pump so handy (especially with catching any overflow), and a friend of mine passed along a single electric pump – which for a while I left in the cupboard, thinking I’d be “better off” getting a double pump… But this honestly served us so well for what we needed, which turns out was only occasional pumping. As I worked from home running my design business back then (Nourishin was only a seed in my mind) and we had help from the grandparents each week – I was still able to feed on demand. In the end, she would only ever take a bottle from someone that wasn’t me, even if it was my milk. Oh the irony.
It’s funny that when you’re expecting, you stress over buying the right bottles, questioning the price/efficiency of different pumps and finding the easiest ways of sterilising. You assume you’ll have nights of uninterrupted sleep whilst your partner gets up for feeds with a bottle – but the reality of a screaming baby that refuses to take that bottle, really throws a spanner in the works. So I stuck to breastfeeding her through the nights, which was easier for us both. Jarryd still took most of the nappy changes, as our fondly named “head of sanitation”.
^ fun feeding places - breweries and the living room floor
Honestly, I didn’t really have any clue when I was going to stop breastfeeding. I found when she was around 12 months was when some people around me started questioning why I was still feeding, when I would stop etc. The one comment that hit me the hardest was “your milk probably isn’t good any more” – but all I could do was laugh and shake my head. After this I officially turned OFF the volume on the commentary, as I knew deep down it was nobody’s business but mine. We took each day as it came as we had a few big things coming up (moving house ugh) – I knew I wanted to try keeping her immune system up whilst I could – especially once she was going to start daycare, which she did at 15 months. By then, we had reduced to only a morning and evening feed, along with 1 night feed. Throughout the whole journey, the only time I found it particularly difficult was when I was sick. Gastro + breastfeeding is NOT a good combination.
We night weaned at 18 months and somehow she has now started to sleep through the night. By this time, we were left with just 1 feed at the end of the day (after dinner and before bath time), which is the one that we’ve just dropped off. Not that I need a single excuse or reason, but I found that my hormones have been wreaking havoc the past several weeks and I’m ready to just try and equalise my system.
Over the past couple of months I’ve seen my daughter grow into a curious, busy toddler who is absolutely thriving – and understands things more than we know. Tonight, she will be offered one of her favourite drinks, a “moooothie” instead of what we always fondly called latte. It will break my heart, but I know that now is time for our new chapter.
^ The same people, almost 2 years later - but forever changed.
I won’t ever forget… the way she would pant at me and bang her chest when she wanted a feed, then run to our rocking chair and squeal with delight when I followed her. The feeling of her on my chest, having fallen asleep on the boob – when she was so tiny. The way she would sit up, look me in the face and say “more” when she wanted the other side. The constant nipple crippling and twiddling. How she always favoured the left side, the turbo one. Having to almost always go find a quiet place to feed, not for privacy but because she finds the world around her so intriguing. Sitting in my mothers circle, nursing her and learning to really listen to my intuition with a group of amazing women who have since become my village, sharing our experiences of motherhood.
Breastfeeding Hazel helped me to be proud and confident in my body, knowing this is what it was meant for. If I hadn’t made it past that 2 week mark, there would have been NOTHING wrong with that, this is just where we’ve landed. It’s been a unique, special experience for the two of us and I will cherish it forever.
I hope that this story illuminates or resonates with you in some way, thanks for reading.
